5 Tips For a Drama-Free Divorce

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Lisa Kaplin.

Divorces always seem to come in one of two packages: slightly amicable or miserably dramatic. Most people prefer the latter, yet are unsure of exactly how to achieve it.

With that in mind, here are a few, useful tips to make your divorce far more pleasant than you originally expected:

1. Leave defensiveness at the door.

Defensive behavior will not only lead you to feeling rotten but will only add to increased tension between you and your soon to be ex. How can you tell if you’ve hit the defensive door? Watch for words like, “no I didn’t” or “you started it” or “that’s not true.” When you find yourself being defensive ask for a time out to get yourself together. Even if your ex is finger pointing, yelling, blaming, etc., don’t do it.

Take the high road. You will never regret calming yourself down but you will regret trying to change his opinion with defensiveness. It’s not going to happen — so let it go.

2. Neither accept nor deny all of the blame for your divorce.

It took two of you to get to this place and it’s extremely important for you to dig deep and own your role in it. On the other hand, don’t be a martyr. You alone did not end your marriage and you both would do best by acknowledging that. Since you have no control over his thoughts or behaviors, take care of your own and take care of yourself.

3. Don’t “dis” your ex to everyone you meet.

First off, it’s rather bad behavior to kiss and tell but more importantly, it means you are hanging on to some really nasty energy that will inevitably only hurt you. Share your thoughts and feelings with either a professional and/or one or two close confidants but not with every person you come across.  If the only thing you can think about your ex is highly negative, try not to think about him. Seriously! Stop that nasty repetitive thought, let it slide out of your head and add some positive, happier thoughts about anything but your ex.

4. More importantly, don’t “dis” yourself at all for any reason.

Owning your role in your marital problems is one thing, criticizing and belittling yourself is another and not at all useful. If you find yourself thinking that he stopped loving you due to your appearance, your age, your income, your cooking ability or anything else you can think of, stop it! Stop it right now. What good could possibly come from beating on yourself? If you can’t stop, it’s time to get yourself some help.

5. Use this time to soul search, not to feel sorry for yourself.

Get to know you again or for the very first time. Who are you? What do you love to do? What are you good at and what type of person are you most attracted to? It’s time to not only like but to love yourself first.

A divorce can be a sad time but it can also be the greatest gift you will ever receive. Try to find the joy in life and move forward. “you won’t regret it. A whole new world of adventure awaits you why wait to find it?

Lisa Kaplin is a life coach and a psychologist at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com She is offering a free teleclass, “3 Revolutionary Ways to Guarantee That You Only Get Divorced Once.” To join her for this class click here: http://smartwomeninspiredlives.com/events/.

More divorce advice from YourTango:

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Contributed by YourTango.com, an online magazine dedicated to love, life and relationships. From dating to marriage, parenting to empty-nest, relationship challenges to relationship success, YourTango is at the center of the conversations that are closest to our over 7 million readers' hearts. With daily contributions from our Experts, we have a little something for everyone looking to create healthier lives. We're excited to offer our contributions to the PsychCentral community, and invite you to visit us on YourTango.com.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Experts, Y. (2013). 5 Tips For a Drama-Free Divorce. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/30/5-tips-for-a-drama-free-divorce/

The Psychology of Constructing a Conversation

A game of catch goes nowhere unless you have a partner who catches the ball and throws it back to you.

Similarly, a conversation goes nowhere unless you have a partner who listens to what you’re saying and responds in a way that keeps the conversation going.

A good conversation is constructed by a speaker and a listener each doing their part. A great conversation is constructed with respectful, interesting, enriching content. You learn something. You teach something. Your knowledge increases. Your curiosity is piqued. You relish the time spent together.

The prototype for a great conversation is a couple in love. They make good eye contact. Listen well. Speak with enthusiasm. Value what the other person says. Feel valued by the other person. Disagree respectfully. Enjoy each other.

The prototype for a poor conversation is modern Congress.

In today’s Congress, what passes for communication is pontificating your beliefs while mocking your opponents’. Nobody listens. Nobody learns. Nobody appreciates the subtleties of the others’ argument. Is it any wonder that the respect Americans have for Congress is at an all-time low?

To construct our own great conversations, we need to listen and speak respectfully. No need to be starry-eyed lovers. But do everything you can to avoid the Congressional model.

Want to improve your conversational skills? Avoid these common conversational breakers:

Going on and on without giving the other person a chance to talk. (Yakkety, yak, yak, yak)Pontificating. (Of course, it’s done this way. How else?)Confusing listening with obeying. (Why aren’t you listening to me? I told you to do it this way!)Making a definitive statement without explaining your position. (This is what has to be done.)Listening while multi-tasking. (Checking your phone messages as you listen.)Responding with frequent “Yes, but” statements. (“Yes, but I don’t want to do it.”)Interrupting with a rebuttal. (“I know what you’re saying and it’s ridiculous.”)Rolling your eyes or displaying other disrespectful body language.

Do you admit to doing any of these no-nos? Good. I respect your honesty. You are more sincere than one who deflects his own behavior by blaming others. “I don’t listen because you give me too many details.” “I only use that tone of voice because you never listen.”

It’s true that good speaking skills enhance people’s ability to listen. But you shouldn’t have to be an award-winning speaker to get a loved one to listen. Similarly, good listening skills encourage good speaking skills. But you shouldn’t have to be a topflight listener to get a loved one to speak respectfully to you.

Speaking well and listening well create an extraordinary game of catch in which both of you feel energized, enriched, respected and valued. Good goal to aim for, don’t you think?

Dr. Sapadin is a psychologist, author and success coach who takes joy in helping people reach their potential, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. To subscribe to her FREE E-newsletter, go to http://www.psychwisdom.com/. To learn about her newest publication, How to Beat Procrastination in the Digital Age, go to http://www.sixstylesofprocrastination.com/. Contact her at DrSapadin@aol.com

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Sapadin, L. (2013). The Psychology of Constructing a Conversation. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/01/the-psychology-of-constructing-a-conversation/

4 Personality Types: The Upholder, Questioner, Rebel & Obliger

With all modesty, I do think my Four Categories of Personality may be one of my finest contributions to the study of human nature. Right up there with my abstainer/moderator split and under-buyer/over-buyer distinction.

In a nutshell, under this scheme, people fall into one of four categories: Upholder, Questioner, Rebel, or Obliger, depending on how they respond to external rules and internal rules.

Upholders respond to both inner and outer rules; Questioners question all rules, but can follow rules they endorse (effectively making all rules into inner rules); Rebels resist all rules; Obligers respond to outer rules but not to inner rules. To read more, go here.

I’m still refining this idea, and I’d be very interested to hear people’s thoughts on my further analysis.

One important question is: what is the main desire or motivation driving the people in the four categories? Here’s what I currently believe. Does it ring true to you?

Upholders wake up and think, “What’s on the schedule and the to-do list for today?” They’re very motivated by execution, getting things accomplished. They really don’t like making mistakes, getting blamed,  or failing to follow through (including doing so to themselves).

Questioners wake up and think, “What needs to get done today?” They’re very motivated by seeing good reasons for a particular course of action. They really don’t like spending time and effort on activities they don’t agree with.

Rebels wake up and think, “What do I want to do today?” They’re very motivated by a sense of freedom, of self-determination. (I used to think that Rebels were energizing by flouting rules, but I now I suspect that that’s a by-product of their desire to determine their own course of action. Though they do seem to enjoy flouting rules.) They really don’t like being told what to do.

Obligers wake up and think, “What must I do today?” They’re very motivated by accountability. They really don’t like being reprimanded or letting others down.

Understanding this is important, because if you want to motivate yourself (or someone else) to do something, it’s key to know how a person will consider and act upon that request or order.

What do you think? Also, what should I call this category of personality typing? I haven’t been able to think of a good name. “The Four Categories of Rules Acceptance” isn’t very catchy.

Do you have a life list or bucket list? Check out Go Mighty to make it happen. One of my favorite goals: “Have a beehive.”

Gretchen Rubin is the award-winning author of The Happiness Project, a #1 New York Times bestseller. Order your copy or read some sample chapters from the book. You can also watch the one-minute book video or listen to a sample of the audiobook. She is a regular contributor to Psych Central.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Rubin, G. (2013). 4 Personality Types: The Upholder, Questioner, Rebel & Obliger. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/02/4-personality-types-the-upholder-questioner-rebel-obliger/

How to Stop Worrying about Worrying

Sir Winston Churchill, who battled plenty of demons, once said, “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”

Unfortunately that advice wouldn’t have been able to stop me from praying rosary after rosary when I was in fourth grade to avert going to hell, nor does it quiet the annoying noise and chatter inside my brain today in any given hour. But the fact that a great leader battled the worry war does provide me some consolation.

It doesn’t matter whether you are a chronic worrier without an official diagnosis or battling severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a neurobehavioral disorder that involves repetitive unwanted thoughts and rituals. The steps to overcome faulty beliefs and develop healthy patterns of thinking are the same.

Worrying about facing the inferno as a 10-year-old and fretting about whether or not I’ll provide enough income to keep my kids in private school stems from the same brain abnormality that Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D. describes in his book, Brain Lock.

When we worry, the use of energy is consistently higher than normal in the orbital cortex, the underside of the front of the brain. It’s working overtime, heating up, which is exactly what is the PET scans show. Too many “what if’s” and your orbital cortex as shown in a PET scan will light up in beautiful neon colors, like the walls of my daughter’s bedroom. However, with repeated cognitive-behavioral exercises, you can cool it down and return your PET scan to the boring black and white.

In their book, The OCD Workbook, Bruce M. Hyman, Ph.D., and Cherry Pedrick, RN, explain the ABCDs of faulty beliefs. It’s a four-step cycle of insanity:

A = Activity Event and Intrusive Thought, Image or Urge. (What if I didn’t lock the door? What if I upset her? I know I upset her.)

B = Faulty Belief About the Intrusive Thought. (If I don’t say the rosary, I’m going to hell. If I made a mistake in my presentation, I will get fired.)

C = Emotional Consequences: Anxiety, Doubt, and Worry. (I am a horrible person for upsetting her. I keep making mistakes … I will never be able to keep a job. I hate myself.)

D = Neutralizing Ritual or Avoidance. (I need to say the rosary to insure I’m not going to hell. I should avoid my friend who I upset and my boss so that he can’t tell me I’m fired.)

Those might seem extreme for the casual worrier, but the small seed of anxiety doesn’t stay small for long in a person with an overactive orbital cortex.

Hyman and Pedrick also catalog some typical cognitive errors of worriers and persons with OCD:

Overestimating risk, harm, and dangerOvercontrol and perfectionismCatastrophizingBlack-and-white or all-or-nothing thinkingPersistent doubtingMagical thinkingSuperstitious thinkingIntolerance of uncertaintyOver-responsibilityPessimistic biasWhat-if thinkingIntolerance of anxietyExtraordinary cause and effect

One of the best approaches to manage a case of the worries and/or OCD is the four-step self-treatment method by Schwartz, explained in Brain Lock,

Step 1: Relabel.

In this step you squeeze a bit of distance between the thought and you. By relabeling the bugger as “MOT” (my obsessive thought) or something like that, you take back control and prevent yourself from being tricked by the message. Because I’ve always suffered from OCD, I remind myself that the illogical thought about which I’m fretting is my illness talking, that I’m not actually going insane.

Step 2: Reattribute.

Here is where you remember the PET scan that would look like your brain. By considering that colorful picture, you take the problem from your emotional center to your physiological being. This helps me immensely because I feel less attached to it and less a failure for being able to tame and keep it under control. Just like arthritis that is flaring up, I consider my poor, overworked orbital cortex, and I put some ice on it and remember to be gentle with myself.

Step 3: Refocus.

If it’s at all possible, turn your attention to some other activity that can distract you from the anxiety. Schwartz says: “By refusing to take the obsessions and compulsions at face value—by keeping in mind that they are not what they say they are, that they are false messages—you can learn to ignore or to work around them by refocusing your attention on another behavior and doing something useful and positive.”

Step 4: Revalue.

This involves calling out the unwanted thoughts and giving yourself a pep talk on why you want to do everything you can to free yourself from the prison of obsessive thinking. You are basically devaluing the worrying as soon as it tries to intrude.

Therese J. Borchard is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. You may find her at her blog, A Blog About Hope, on her website, or you can follow her at on Twitter.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Borchard, T. (2013). How to Stop Worrying about Worrying. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/03/how-to-stop-worrying-about-worrying/

Overcoming Guilt in Depression

“There is a voice that says I’m doing something terribly wrong and that I’m a horrible person,” said Therese Borchard, author of the book Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes.

In the book, Borchard lists the many things she feels guilty for, everything from not cleaning the house to letting her kids eat more candy to worrying too much to being overly candid with her writing to overeating. And that’s just a snippet she jotted down while penning that page.

If you also have depression, you, too, probably have a list. And you, too, probably can relate to the gnawing, stubborn and heavy weight of guilt.

It’s guilt that can lead to self-doubt or even self-harm. For Borchard, guilt sparks insecurity, indecision and even poor decisions. “It colors my decisions and my conversations and I’m always second-guessing myself.”

Some research may explain why people with depression feel especially guilty. A 2012 study found that individuals with depression respond differently to guilt than people without depression. According to the news article about the study:

Investigators used fMRI to scan the brains of a group of people after remission from major depression for more than a year, and a control group who have never had depression. Both groups were asked to imagine acting badly, for example being “stingy” or “bossy” towards their best friends. They then reported their feelings to the research team.

“The scans revealed that the people with a history of depression did not ‘couple’ the brain regions associated with guilt and knowledge of appropriate behavior together as strongly as the never depressed control group do,” said Zahn, a MRC Clinician Scientist Fellow.

“Interestingly, this ‘decoupling’ only occurs when people prone to depression feel guilty or blame themselves, but not when they feel angry or blame others. This could reflect a lack of access to details about what exactly was inappropriate about their behavior when feeling guilty, thereby extending guilt to things they are not responsible for and feeling guilty for everything.”

Depression dampens a person’s reasoning and problem-solving functions, said Deborah Serani, PsyD, a psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression.  “This is why a person can feel unrealistically negative about himself, feel guilty or responsible for things that he might not truly believe if the depression wasn’t active.”

Of course, guilt isn’t something that simply dissolves with several quick fixes. But you can slowly chip away at your guilt. The below tips may help.

1. Move your body.

According to Serani, “Getting physical will lower cortisol, increase endorphin flow and awaken your senses.” It also helps people with depression think more clearly and feel better overall, she said.

2. Shift your thoughts.

“Feelings of guilt can set a depressed individual into a cycle of negative thinking; each thought worsening into a deeper, more hopeless frame of thinking,” Serani said. That’s why working on your thoughts is key. Serani suggested revising negative thoughts into positive thoughts or using positive imagery. She gave examples such as “I can do this,” or “I’m light and floating on blue beautiful water.”

3. Remember guilty thoughts are not facts.

Borchard finds it helpful to remind herself that her guilt is just a voice. “Once I say, ‘Oh, there’s the guilt,’ I can put some distance between me and the guilt.”

4. Try humor.

Borchard also finds that humor can lighten the heaviness. For instance, she refers to guilt as “my ‘mini-Vatican’ or something like that. I always laugh when my doctor reminds me that, of all the depressive symptoms I have, guilt will probably be the last to leave me.”

5. Try visualization.

In Beyond Blue, Borchard describes a visualization technique her therapist recommended. Borchard writes:

“She told me to imagine myself driving a car along the highway. Whenever I get one of those guilty thoughts, my car is out of alignment…it’s dragging right. So I pull over and assess the problem. I check to see if I need to make any adjustments. If I stole something, I should give it back. If I wronged someone, I need to make amends. Then I merge back on to the highway.

Each time my car wants to rear off the main drive, I should ask myself, Is there something I need to do? If not, I need to get my car back on the road.

For many people with depression, guilt is a real and stubborn symptom. It manipulates the facts and exacerbates your mood. But while guilt can be persistent and overwhelming, it also can be managed and minimized.

Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. is an Associate Editor at Psych Central and blogs regularly about eating and self-image issues on her own blog, Weightless.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Tartakovsky, M. (2013). Overcoming Guilt in Depression. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/31/overcoming-guilt-in-depression/

Best of Our Blogs: March 29, 2013

You’ve probably heard the term, “mindfulness” a million times. If not on this site then from a friend, on TV or in a magazine. It’s a buzzword that has been spoken by your neighbor and Oprah. But what does it mean and how does it apply to real life?

I was watching an old Oprah show recently where she talks to Seat of the Soul author Gary Zukov. Although they were discussing relationships, he said something I thought could be applied to everyone, single or in coupledom. Instead of blaming or holding someone responsible when you are upset or hurt, he said to work on finding out what’s making you feel this way. Learning to focus on yourself can help you grow as a person, enrich your relationships and change your life. What does this have to do with mindfulness?

Instead of checking out when things get hard or running through your to-do list when you’re with others, mindfulness requires you to pay attention. And in paying attention, you may discover the difficult moments you’ve been trying to hide. When faced with your own stuff, you may learn that you’ve got a lot of inner work to do. Being mindful opens you up to the bad as well as the beautiful moments you might otherwise miss. Read our posts below and you’ll find that mindfulness is a surprising way to empower yourself and truly live your life.

Mindful Parenting: Being Present for the Good Moments and the Tough Ones
(Mindful Parenting) – There are many memorable moments in the life of a parent. Some bad, some good. But if you learn to pay attention to all of them, you will find compassion, patience and even gratitude in every moment.

Body Image Booster: Practicing Mindfulness
(Weightless) – When you eat, do you savor every morsel or do you eat mindlessly? Are you aware of the thoughts that pass through your mind while flipping through women’s magazines? Learning to slow down, paying attention and being mindful can improve your body image. Find out how here.

How Psychology is Used in Advertising
(Channel N) – Many consumers are unaware of the role psychology plays in advertising. This cute, short and interesting video shows how things like colors and emotions can persuade you into buying a product.

Need to Bounce Back? Get Rid of These 5 Things
(Bounce Back) – When the going gets tough, how do you keep going? Learn what five stumbling blocks will prevent you from persevering when life gets hard.

Struggling to Hold Onto Your Sobriety? Try Helping Someone Else
(Addiction Recovery) – The key to your sobriety and recovery could lie in your ability to help others. Read the latest research on the benefits of helping others and find out what you can do to give back here.

Brandi-Ann Uyemura is a freelance writer. After obtaining a BA in English and Ethnic Studies, she received a MA in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University. She writes for various companies and publications. For more information, see her website Brandi-AnnUyemura.com.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Uyemura, B. (2013). Best of Our Blogs: March 29, 2013. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/29/best-of-our-blogs-march-29-2013/

Do You Shout? Why That May Not be Especially Helpful in Communicating

Do you find yourself shouting at people?

The problem with shouting is that it isn’t really communicating — it’s being aggressive and intimidating. That clearly is not the best way to forge relationships. You may not think that you’re being aggressive, or acting unhealthily — but you are. And you’re not doing yourself or anyone else any favors with your behavior.

When we communicate, there are a couple of thinking processes going on in the background: We have a goal or task we wish to complete in the interaction.

That goal is being driven by a set of personal rules and beliefs which are running on autopilot.

The following is an example of a typical scenario: In the kitchen, John tells Karen that he wants her to pick their son up from school because he’d made plans to meet a friend for drinks after work. Trouble is, Karen also has made plans and isn’t able, or willing, to change them. The conversation might go like this:

“Sorry, John, but I can’t pick Luke up, I’ve made plans. Anyway, it’s your day to do it.”

“I know it’s my day, but I said I’d meet Frank. You can change your plans; you’re only meeting your mother anyway.”

“I’m not changing.”

“Look, I can’t pick him up. I’ve made plans. Just call your mom and tell her you need to pick him up.”

“No, John.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake. Stop being so damn stubborn and just do it, will you?!”

“Don’t shout at me.”

“Then stop being a bitch and just pick him up.”

At this point, since Karen isn’t doing what he wants, John could get angrier, louder, and more aggressive. People in Karen’s position will tend to give in and do what the shouter wants, which is exactly the reason to shout — to get one’s own way.

But what led to an angry exchange and John shouting?

The two cognitive processes mentioned above: John holds an irrational belief that Karen absolutely should change her plans. Because she doesn’t want to, she is obstructing his goal, which is to go out with Frank. His underlying belief is probably something like, “She absolutely must do what I want, and if she doesn’t, she’s just being a difficult bitch!”

Remember, if you get to the point of shouting, you’re already in unhealthy anger mode. Your irrational belief that you are right and others are wrong will only become more rigid, as unhealthy anger begins to cloud your rational thought.

So if you find you are shouting at people, stop and think about what you are demanding of them.

Are they obstructing your goal? Do you have an irrational belief that they must do what you think is right, or satisfy your goal even if it is counter to their goal? Then ask yourself if that’s reasonable of you to demand such a thing.

Above all, shouting doesn’t make your argument or request more persuasive, it just makes you seem more intimidating.

Drew Coster is a coach, facilitator and trainer. As a British-trained and accredited psychotherapist, he has worked with people for nine years, helping them reach their goals and overcome many different emotional and behavioral problems. Drew is currently in private practice and is available to work with anybody, anywhere in the world. You can reach him at http://www.gochange.me/.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Coster, D. (2013). Do You Shout? Why That May Not be Especially Helpful in Communicating. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/01/do-you-shout-why-that-may-not-be-especially-helpful-in-communicating/

Photos of Mental Illness from a Kentucky Prison

Jenn Ackerman has taken some fantastic black-and-white photography in a Kentucky prison. The photos depict the raw life of prisoners who are also dealing with mental illness. Because as the government has repeatedly cut back on funding mental health treatment, guess where the really sick people go?

They end up in prison, usually for repeated petty crimes or drug abuse. And society, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that spending 4x to 5x the cost of keeping the person in prison is “better” than simply getting them into a drug abuse treatment program.

“When I went on the tour (of the prison), I didn’t see it in color; when I came back, I was trying to remember what it looked like, and I couldn’t remember any of the colors at all,” Jenn Ackerman told Slate. “I knew there was something so gritty and raw.”

“The system designed for security is now trapped with treating mental illness and the mentally ill are often trapped inside the system with nowhere else to go,” Ackerman notes on her website.

Indeed, that’s true. And perhaps such inspiring imagery can help remind all of us that these fellow human beings deserve dignity and treatment — not bars and discrimination.

The photos are well worth your time.

Check out the Slate article for the images and their stories: “Trapped” documents the line between mental illness and security in a Kentucky prison

See the photos: Trapped – The photo reportage by Jenn Ackerman

Dr. John Grohol is the CEO and founder of Psych Central. He is an author, researcher and expert in mental health online, and has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues -- as well as the intersection of technology and human behavior -- since 1992. Dr. Grohol sits on the editorial board of the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking and is a founding board member and treasurer of the Society for Participatory Medicine.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Grohol, J. (2013). Photos of Mental Illness from a Kentucky Prison. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/01/photos-of-mental-illness-from-a-kentucky-prison/

10 Time Management Tips for Those with ADHD

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Archives 10 Time Management Tips for Those with ADHDBy Laurie Dupar, PMHNP, RN, PCC

People with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) often struggle with everyday tasks and getting things done in a timely manner. For instance, a task that would be otherwise easy to complete in an hour takes 3 days instead.

Do you often find yourself distracted until time is wasted? The challenges of ADHD and attention deficit disorder (ADD) are very real. But there is hope. When you understand how ADHD has been affecting all areas of your life, you can learn to minimize its impact and live successfully with ADD /ADHD.

Here are some steps to help you build confidence, clarify and prioritize your goals, minimize your ADHD challenges, and get you past being stuck to actually following through with your plans.

Plan.

Start each day by taking time to think about what you want to accomplish that day with specific emphasis on one to five things.Check in periodically during the day.

Ask yourself frequently during the day if what you are doing at that moment is what you want to be doing and if it is helping you accomplish your goals.Use a planning system.

The more time we spend planning a project, the less time is required for it. Use a calendar, smart phone, or computer calendar to keep track of tasks and break them down into manageable parts.Concentrate.

The amount of time spent on a project is not what counts; it’s the amount of uninterrupted time. Make sure you are in the right environment for you.Take breaks.

Working for long periods of time can decrease energy, as well as increase stress, tension, and boredom. Switching from a mental task to a physical task and back can provide relief, increase your efficiency, reduce tension, and even benefit your health.Reduce clutter.

In most cases, clutter hinders concentration and causes frustration and tension. When you find your desk or work space becoming chaotic, take time to reorganize.Avoid perfectionism.

There is a difference between striving for excellence and striving for perfection. Getting something 85 percent perfect and handed in is better than 150 percent or more than perfect and not handed in.Learn to say no.

Learn to decline, tactfully, politely, yet firmly. Practice what you will say often.Don’t procrastinate.

Waiting until the end may feel like you have more energy to do the task, but more than likely you will end up rushed, out of time and with results less than what you would have done if you had started earlier. Decide to change habits immediately, but don’t take on too much too quickly.Delegate.

Decide to delegate the tasks that someone else can do, wants to do and take you too long to do.

You can learn these and other new skills to help you better cope with your attention deficit disorder symptoms. Consider enrolling a trusted friend or family member, too, for additional assistance in help keeping you on-task and more focused.

Laurie Dupar, Senior Certified ADHD Coach and trained Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, specializes in working with clients who have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and want to finally understand how their brain works, minimize their challenges and get things done! Through individual/group coaching, live speaking, and her writing, she helps clients and their loved ones use effective strategies to minimize their ADHD challenges so they can experience success. She is the co-author and editor of 365 ways to succeed with ADHD and author of Brain surfing and 31 other Awesome Qualities of ADHD. For more information, please visit www.coachingforadhd.com.

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    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Mar 2013
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Dupar, L. (2013). 10 Time Management Tips for Those with ADHD. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/30/10-time-management-tips-for-those-with-adhd/

 

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Introducing Divine Intuition

We all have intuition, but we may not all recognize it — some may be more attuned to their own intuition than others.

What if you could tap into your intuition more easily?

That’s why I’m pleased to welcome Lynn A. Robinson, M.Ed. and her blog, Divine Intuition to Psych Central.

“In all my writings, consultations and speeches, I emphasize combining the spiritual with the practical,” says Lynn. “I believe there’s a Universal wisdom — intuition — that resides in all of us, and I love writing about how to access it and use it in a practical way in order to live a happy, meaningful and abundant life.”

I agree that intuition is an important — and often overlooked — component of our humanity. Too often, we don’t trust our intuition as readily as we should. I’m looking forward to learning more about how to use my own intuition in my daily life.

Please give Lynn a warm Psych Central welcome over on her blog, Divine Intuition now!

Dr. John Grohol is the CEO and founder of Psych Central. He is an author, researcher and expert in mental health online, and has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues -- as well as the intersection of technology and human behavior -- since 1992. Dr. Grohol sits on the editorial board of the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking and is a founding board member and treasurer of the Society for Participatory Medicine.

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This is an announcement only, so there are no comments.

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Grohol, J. (2013). Introducing Divine Intuition. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/29/introducing-divine-intuition/

Best of Our Blogs: April 2, 2013

I hope you got through April Fool’s Day unscathed. If you’re wondering why a potentially harmless joke may seem unworthy of serious concern, know this. I’ve spent most of my childhood and young adult years making sure to avoid humiliation and being duped by my infamous gullibility. Why? Because the fear of being shamed can trigger years of torment garnered from critical parents and torturous bullies. I still have nightmares about the little boys who teased me and teenagers who bullied me growing up.

At the root of all teasing and seemingly harmless joking is the power of shame. Shame or the belief that we are unworthy can unravel the strongest among us. It can make individuals feel disgusted with their bodies, hate their differences and become irrationally angry towards themselves and others to cope. All of which exacerbate feelings of unworthiness.

The solution? Work on building up your toolbox. Teach yourself and then your kids the importance of self-compassion, inner peace, understanding and awareness. These posts address all of the above to help you and your loved ones get through difficult times with courage and love.

A Meditation For Promoting Peace Within Ourselves
(Weightless) – To have a better, more peaceful life, you need to start with drawing peace within. Take a few minutes today to practice this loving-kindness meditation for yourself.

How To Find Courage In Feelings Of Uncertainty
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – What do you do in the midst of uncertainty, self-doubt, and fear of the unknown? Take these five lessons learned by this blogger and use it to help you cope.

Anger and Fear
(360° of Mindful Living) – What is anger? Learning how to manage this often intimidating and misunderstood emotion takes understanding it. Read what’s at the root of anger and you may discover what’s really upsetting you.

Schizophrenia in Children
(Family Mental Health) – Schizophrenia isn’t just a disorder affecting teens and adults. 1 in every 10,000-30,000 children have it too. What does schizophrenia look like in children? What causes it and what’s key when it comes to supporting families going through it? Find out here.

Weekend Listening: The Effects of Bullying With Tamara Hill
(Celebrity Psychings) – You’re increasingly hearing about the negative impacts of bullying. But what can you actually do to help? Listen to this broadcast to get information on bullying online and in school with information on what you can do to stop it.

Brandi-Ann Uyemura is a freelance writer. After obtaining a BA in English and Ethnic Studies, she received a MA in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University. She writes for various companies and publications. For more information, see her website Brandi-AnnUyemura.com.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Uyemura, B. (2013). Best of Our Blogs: April 2, 2013. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/02/best-of-our-blogs-april-2-2013/

Living a Full Life with Chronic Illness

Ein-shei Chen was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s disease) in 1995. Yet she hasn’t let the degenerative disease derail her daily life or dull her dreams. Chen is the president of the Motor Neuron Disease Association of Taiwan. She’s given speeches at ALS conferences all over the world. She’s even convinced the government to build an ALS clinic in her city of Taichung — the second facility in all of Asia.

Chen can only move her big toe. She writes emails and communicates with others using special technology. Composing an email with five short sentences takes her 20 minutes. But she continues to email with her family, friends and other ALS patients. She also visits patients in person with the help of her caregivers and relatives.

Chen’s remarkable story is featured in Richard Cheu’s empowering book Living Well With Chronic Illness: A Practical and Spiritual Guide. Cheu provides pastoral counseling to patients in New York City medical and hospice centers. He helps patients find peace with their illness and live their lives to the fullest.

Getting diagnosed with a chronic illness is overwhelming. It can unleash a range of reactions, from shock to fear to grief, said Cheu, also a stress management consultant, Catholic deacon and a caregiver himself. The diagnosis can shatter your self-image, he said. It’s as though you draw a line in the sand, one side representing you before the diagnosis, the other side representing you after.

While chronic illness changes your life, it doesn’t have to stop you from enjoying it. Chen is just one example of many individuals who’ve carved out meaningful, satisfying lives with a debilitating disease.

When she was first diagnosed with ALS, Chen was heartbroken and depressed. She isolated herself from her loved ones. But talking with another ALS patient at her monthly support group helped Chen start accepting her diagnosis and reach out for help.

Accepting your condition and asking your physicians about your options opens up a world of resources and support, Cheu said.

Cheu stressed the importance of taking charge of your health care with these three steps: Stop, look and listen. When you’re first diagnosed, stop, “and just sit down, and take some deep breaths.”

“Look at your disease, and learn everything you can about it, [such as] how it can affect you.” Think of it as learning a new language. If you were traveling to France, and wanted to make the most of your trip, you’d learn some French, he said.

Finally, “listen to your advisors,” or your health care team. Your doctors advise you on what to do, but you ultimately make your own decision on how to proceed, he said.

Taking charge of your health also includes: engaging in healthy behaviors, coping with your emotions and creating calm every day. For instance, you can meditate, journal or spend time with loved ones.

“Every person is unique, and has unique concerns that day in that moment,” Cheu said. That’s why he asks his patients to focus on today and consider: “What do you think is the most important thing to achieve today?”

In addition to Ein-shei Chen, Cheu features other chronically ill individuals in Living Well With Chronic Illness. “Everyone needs a hero,” he said. Pick a hero who inspires you to keep going, someone who’s overcome major hurdles but is living life to the fullest.

Loneliness is a common issue for chronically ill patients, Cheu said. After you’re diagnosed, the people in your life might stop calling and inviting you to social events. You also might distance yourself from others. The first step in overcoming loneliness is to recognize that it’s part of chronic illness, he said.

Next, in his book, Cheu encourages readers to “create peaceful and meaningful solitude.” As he explains, “Happiness starts within, and the best relationships happen when you are at peace with yourself regardless of your present condition or circumstances.” Choose activities you find restorative and that bring you joy, such as praying, spending time outdoors, reading or playing music.

Cheu also suggests considering how you’d like to improve your relationships. Would you like to enhance your current connections or make new friends? Would you like to hang out with people who share your religious beliefs or individuals who have the same illness? Then make a list of specific ways you’ll approach these relationships. Cheu also underscored volunteering and having face-to-face interactions.

In his book, Cheu defines spirituality as “a way of thinking and living that uses the positive aspects of human thinking, feelings, and behavior to achieve meaning and purpose in life.” He suggests exploring your personal values and making a commitment to live them. Consider how you’re “going to live out this life, today and every day.”

Cultivating spirituality also includes regularly checking in with yourself and asking whether your current life reflects your values, Cheu writes. He also notes the importance of gratitude, and showing your appreciation for your caregivers.

Having a chronic illness can be devastating and make you feel incredibly helpless. While you have little control over your diagnosis, you can take charge of your responses and reactions. A chronic illness doesn’t have to stop you from leading a fulfilling life.

Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. is an Associate Editor at Psych Central and blogs regularly about eating and self-image issues on her own blog, Weightless.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 26 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Tartakovsky, M. (2013). Living a Full Life with Chronic Illness. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/02/living-a-full-life-with-chronic-illness/

9 Tips for Creating a Routine for Adults with ADHD

We know that routine is critical for kids with ADHD. But it’s also key for adults. “Without routines, their lives become chaotic,” according to Terry Matlen, ACSW, a psychotherapist and author of Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD. She added that many adults with ADHD simply don’t have an internal sense of structure.

“Adults with ADHD are highly distracted, impulsive and cannot tolerate boredom,” Matlen said. This makes it difficult to accomplish tasks, whether at home or at work. Structure, however, helps adults perform everything from daily chores to demanding projects at work, she said.

It also helps adults with ADHD get moving, said Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, a psychotherapist and author of 10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADD. “Inertia is the enemy of people with ADHD,” Sarkis said. She likens it to Newton’s first law. “An object that is at rest will stay at rest unless an external force acts upon it. This is especially true for people with ADHD.”

In short, according to Matlen, “Routines are a way to structure a day and make success possible.”

But people with ADHD tend to eschew structure. Why?

For one, the nature of ADHD makes setting and following routines more arduous. ADHD is an impairment in executive functioning. “This makes it difficult for us to organize our time, set deadlines, organize material for a task, and know how long it will take us to complete something,” Sarkis said.

People with ADHD have a love/hate relationship with routine, Matlen said. “ADD adults generally like variety, diversity and novel experiences because their brain needs to constantly be stimulated. Structure, as much as it is needed in the person’s life, can feel frightfully unnatural.”

They also might jump in too fast. According to Jennifer Koretsky, a senior certified ADHD coach and author of Odd One Out: The Maverick’s Guide to Adult ADD, adults with ADHD have good intentions but they “create a complicated routine too quickly. The details of the routine become hard to remember, boring, or tedious, and the person can find themselves thinking that they failed at one more thing despite their best effort.”

But this doesn’t mean that setting up a realistic and reliable routine is impossible. The key is to start small and find what works for you. Below, the experts — who also have ADHD — provide pointers on setting up a successful and sensible routine.

1. Ease into the routine.

According to Koretsky, “It’s often better to add to an existing routine than to try to create a completely new one.” That’s why she suggested adding one task at a time. Then practice this task over and over until it “becomes second nature.”

Koretsky gave the example of a woman who forgets to take her medication. She already has a morning routine. After she wakes up, she feeds the cat and makes lunch for her kids. She can slide her medication into the slot between feeding the cat and making the lunches. “Once she practices this for a while and it becomes a habit, she can consider adding another task to her morning routine.”

2. Imagine your ideal on paper.

If you’re just starting out, Matlen suggested “getting a notebook and writing down an ideal schedule, from morning to night [with] one [schedule] for workdays [and] one for non-work days [such as] weekends and holidays.”

In addition, have a good idea of the time each task takes, she said. For instance, how long does it take you to do laundry, drive your kids to school or get to work? You might have to time yourself to find out.

This is important, because many people either under- or overestimate their time. “With overestimating, it can feel overwhelming, thus causing us to procrastinate,” Matlen said. “When underestimating, it helps us to realize we do need to assign more time to the task.”

3. Keep a detailed schedule. “

Make sure every 30 minutes of your schedule is blocked out,” Sarkis said. “This includes scheduling free time and social time too!”

4. Use visual cues.

People with ADHD respond well to visual cues, according to the experts. For instance, Sarkis suggested color-coding your schedule. “Make work or school hours blue, errand time red, commuting time green, and so on.” Or you can use whiteboards to write down your daily schedule and long-term plans, Matlen said.

5. Use checklists.

Matlen’s clients use checklists throughout their days to stay on track. She uses an LED-lit “boogie board” to help her daughter remember what she needs for school. “Next to each item is a box and she checks each one as she gathers her backpack, lunch, etc.”

6. Use what’s best for you.

“The key is using techniques that work for you,” Matlen said. This might be a daily paper planner, a voice recorder, talking watch, computer reminders or software programs, she said. “If you’re a techie person, computer reminders and software programs are great. If you’re more of a ‘paper’ person, write your routines in a planner and keep it with you at all times.”

7. Reframe routine.

“I think adults with ADD tend to see routines as impinging on their sense of freedom. Structure and routines, in the end, actually free up the person,” Matlen said. She suggested reminding yourself that structure is a support, not a hindrance. “Remind yourself that these are tools to help you, not to make your life miserable.” They help you work more efficiently so you can get things done and have more time for the projects you enjoy, she added.

8. Know your rhythm. “

Know what time of the day you’re most productive and put into your routine the things that require the most brainpower during those times,” Matlen said. For instance, if you’re not a morning person, she said, do everything you need for the next day at night. This might include packing your own lunch (or your kids’), laying out what you’ll wear and having your briefcase ready.

9. Get help.

“Seek out the guidance of counselors, coaches, organizers, or trusted friends and family members,” Sarkis said.

Creating and following a routine when you have ADHD requires effort and time. “It can take months to get into a rhythm, a groove, to learn and remember to use these systems,” Matlen said. But it’s worth it. As Sarkis said, “routines and structure are essential to the well-being of an adult with ADHD.”

Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. is an Associate Editor at Psych Central and blogs regularly about eating and self-image issues on her own blog, Weightless.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Tartakovsky, M. (2013). 9 Tips for Creating a Routine for Adults with ADHD. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/02/9-tips-for-creating-a-routine-for-adults-with-adhd/

6 Quick Story Exercises to Spark Your Creativity

At the recommendation of a friend, I read Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat: The Last Book on Screenwriting That You’ll Ever Need. She told me that while she wasn’t writing a screenplay, the book was extremely helpful for writing any kind of story.

She’s right, it’s a fascinating look at storytelling, and it also includes some terrific exercises to foster creativity. This kind of playful thinking is fun. It’s fun to mess around with ideas, to have new thoughts, to come up with a great idea. It might even inspire you to write a screenplay or start a novel.

Blatant self-promotion: in The Happiness Project, I talk about my experience of writing a novel in a month, inspired by the book, No Plot? No Problem!, written by Chris Baty, also the founder of National Novel Writing Month. Yes, I wrote a novel as long as The Great Gatsby in 30 days.1

Sometimes creativity exercises are a bit boring – what’s that tiresome exercise with the candle, the cup, the matches? – but these exercises by Snyder, meant to jump-start ideas for movies, are very amusing:

Funny _____

Pick a drama, thriller, or horror film and turn it into a comedy.

Serious _____

Likewise, pick a comedy and make it into a drama. Serious Animal House – Drama about cheating scandal at a small university ends in A Few Good Men-like showdown.

FBI out of water.

This works for comedy or drama. Name five places that a FBI agent in the movies has never been sent to solve a crime. Example: Slob FI agent is sent undercover to a Provence Cooking School.

_____ School

Works for both drama and comedy. Name five examples of an unusual type of school, camp, or classroom. Example: “Wife School.”

Versus!

Drama or comedy. Name several pairs of people to be on opposite sides of a burning issue.

My ______ Is a Serial Killer

Drama or comedy. Name an unusual person, animal, or thing that a paranoid can suspect of being a murderer.

It’s funny: seeing this exercise showed me how screenwriters got the ideas for several very famous movies!

Feeling creative helps boost happiness. While people often associate brooding melancholy as the spirit most appropriate to creative outpourings, research shows that people tend to be more creative when they’re feeling happy.

Do you have any exercises you use
to help spark your story-telling spirit?

Footnotes: Actually, I’ve written three very bad novels, all safely locked in a desk drawer. [?]Gretchen Rubin is the award-winning author of The Happiness Project, a #1 New York Times bestseller. Order your copy or read some sample chapters from the book. You can also watch the one-minute book video or listen to a sample of the audiobook. She is a regular contributor to Psych Central.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Rubin, G. (2013). 6 Quick Story Exercises to Spark Your Creativity. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/30/6-quick-story-exercises-to-spark-your-creativity/

Twitter Addiction: Advice from a Cognitive Therapist

One day, after hours of sliding my cursor from Twitter to Facebook to stats for my blogs and back to Twitter — when I should have been writing instead — I emailed Dr. M., a cognitive therapist.

Dr. M. had previously helped me understand that worry is an addiction — it hits the same pleasure center of the brain that other addictions, such as alcohol, do.

The more I worry, the more it reinforces me to worry. Ever the pleasure-seeker, I worry more and perpetuate the cycle. Yet, once I understood the worry addiction, I worried less.

While I am inclined toward overindulging in pleasurable activities (In my mother’s words. “Susan, you’re an extremist!”), I am also driven to avoid the consequences in the quest for maximum pleasure.

It took only one hangover to make me decide never to experience that feeling again. My attraction to pleasure also includes never wanting to feel full or be overweight or slowed down by the effects of smoking.

So, I feel pretty bad at the end of a day spent, not on writing, but on addictive flitting back and forth between Facebook and Twitter, seeking that serotonin surge I get from seeing that someone commented on my fan page or RT’ed my tweet.

Here’s what Dr. M. advised:

Give yourself a daily limit for checking Twitter. You can have a chart next to the computer in order to track the frequency. You can also print the word STOPin bold red at the bottom of the chart to serve as a reminder to stop.Track what increases this particular checking behavior. Like any other habit-related or addictive behavior, it is important to understand what brings it on. What emotions, thoughts, or behaviors activate your desire to check Twitter? For instance: Do you begin to feel anxious and then check?Do you begin to feel bored and then check?Do you begin surfing the Net and then find yourself having an increased urge to check?

Find out what elicits the behavior and begin to modify them to decrease the likelihood of the behavior occurring.

Give yourself a reward for not engaging in the behavior. Remember that checking Twitter may be intrinsically rewarding; therefore, every time you check, you reinforce the behavior. Replace the reward of checking with another reward.

Thanks, Dr. M. Knowing that I’m feeding an addiction every time I look for a retweet helps me rethink doing it so often.

Award-winning journalist Susan Orlins is author of the recently published memoir, Confessions of a Worrywart: Husbands, Lovers, Mothers, and Others, a deeply personal story, told with comical sensibility by a quirky, startlingly honest mother, daughter, ex-wife, inveterate therapy patient, and dog lover, who—à la Nora Ephron—will feel like a dear friend. A divorced mother of three grown daughters, Orlins lives in Washington, D.C., where she conducts a writing workshop for the homeless.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Orlins, S. (2013). Twitter Addiction: Advice from a Cognitive Therapist. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/31/twitter-addiction-advice-from-a-cognitive-therapist/

The Note’s Must-Reads for Tuesday, April 02, 2013

The Note’s Must-Reads are a round-up of today’s political headlines and stories from ABC News and the top U.S. newspapers. Posted Monday through Friday right here at www.abcnews.com

Compiled by ABC News’ Jayce Henderson, Amanda VanAllen and Jordan Mazza

CAROLINE KENNEDY
ABC News’ Sarah Parnass: “Caroline Kennedy to Be Named Ambassador to Japan” Caroline Kennedy is expected to be nominated U.S. ambassador to Japan, but the nomination is not yet finalized, a knowledgeable source told ABC News Monday.  LINK 

IMMIGRATION REFORM
The Hills’ Justin Sink: “White House ‘encouraged’ by Senate progress on immigration” The White House said Monday it was “encouraged” by progress on bipartisan immigration reform in the Senate, but cautioned that lawmakers were “not there yet” on an agreement. “We are encouraged by the continuing signs of progress that we are seeing in the Senate as the Group of Eight and the Senate more broadly works on comprehensive immigration reform,” White House press secretary Jay Carney said Monday. LINK

The New York Times’ Ashley Parker: “Senator’s Bid to Fix Immigration Starts in His Backyard” A five-minute lunch break at Chick-fil-A was Senator Lindsey Graham’s only unscheduled stop of the day. But he had barely stepped inside the fast food restaurant here last week before a constituent was upon him, urging Mr. Graham, a South Carolina Republican, to relay a message to his colleagues in Washington: “Make ‘em understand the word ‘illegal,’ ” said Stephen Lewis, 72, a retired Marine. “If you’re not here legal, be punished or thrown out of this country for it.” LINK

BUDGET CUTS
The Washington Times’ Jerry Seper: “Border Patrol agents dodge sequestration, avoid furloughs, pay cuts” U.S. Customs and Border Protection has postponed plans to furlough Border Patrol agents as a result of sequestration, which would have taken as many as 5,000 agents off the line, and also has delayed a proposed cut in overtime pay that would have cost each agent $7,000 a year. “In light of the Fiscal Year 2013 Appropriations bill and sequestration impacts, U.S. Customs and Border Protection is re-evaluating previously planned furloughs and de-authorization of Administratively Uncontrollable Overtime (AUO) and will postpone implementation of both at this time,” said CBP spokesman Anthony Bucci in an email response. LINK

GUN CONTROL
The Wall Street Journal’s Joseph de Avila: “Tough Gun-Curb Laws Proposed in Connecticut” Connecticut lawmakers proposed sweeping legislation on Monday in response to the deadly Dec. 14 school shooting in Newtown, Conn., calling for stricter gun laws and changes to the state’s mental-health system and school-safety procedures.  LINK    

The Washington Post’s Philip Rucker and Ed O’Keefe: “Firearms advocates target gun-control measures” Gun-control measures that seemed destined to become law after the school shootings in Newtown, Conn., are in jeopardy amid a fierce lobbying campaign by firearms advocates. Despite months of negotiations, key senators have been unable to find a workable plan for near-universal background checks on gun purchases — an idea that polls show nine in 10 Americans support. LINK

BOEHNER
USA Today’s Susan Davis and Gregory Korte: “Boehner, like past speakers, sometimes needs Democrats” Speaker John Boehner has come under fire in recent months for breaking an unwritten, often-cited GOP axiom that legislation in the U.S. House should pass only with support of a majority of the ruling party.  LINK

NORTH KOREA
Bloomberg’s Sandwon Yoon: “U.S. Sees No N. Korea Military Movement as Kim Names Premier” The Obama administration said it has detected no unusual troop movements from North Korea in support of its threats to attack South Korea, American bases in the Asia-Pacific or the continental U.S. “Despite the harsh rhetoric we’re hearing from Pyongyang, we are not seeing changes to the North Korean military posture,” White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters yesterday in Washington. “We take it very seriously. But it is consistent with past behavior.” LINK

HOUSE
Politico’s James Hohmann: “Justin Amash: The House’s New Ron Paul” When it comes to the House of Representatives, Justin Amash is the new Ron Paul. The Michigan congressman, only 32, sees himself as a leader of “the second generation” of Paulites in the lower chamber. Sen. Rand Paul moved quickly to present himself as his dad’s heir to libertarian faithful in recent months, but many in the movement see Amash as even purer than the younger Paul, and he’s gotten rave reviews for explaining all his votes on Facebook. LINK

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Towns Consider Mandatory Gun Ownership in Homes

Should every homeowner in America be required to own a firearm?  A few towns across the country have considered measures to determine just that.

On Monday night, voters in the small town of Byron, Maine, home to about 150 people, struck down a proposal that would require all homeowners to own a gun.  The proposed article said, “Shall the town require all households to have firearms and ammunition to protect its citizens?”

Over 50 voters gathered at the town’s annual meeting and voted nearly unanimously against the proposal. Anne Simmons-Edmunds, head selectman for Byron, said the measure failed because it was billed as a requirement, not a suggestion or recommendation.

“I think really people got hung up on the word ‘required’ and there are some people in town that even though they have guns, they didn’t want it mandated to them that they had to be ready to protect its citizens,” Simmons-Edmunds told ABC News.  “For me, it was to make a statement.  For me, I’m very much in favor of our Second Amendment rights and they’ve worked for so long. I really don’t want to see them changed.”

In Nelson, Ga., a town about 50 miles north of Atlanta, the town council gave initial approval last week to a similar ordinance, which includes exceptions for convicted felons, the physically disabled, mentally ill, conscientious objectors, and people who the council describes as “paupers.” Councilwoman Edith Portillo said she expects it to become law at the council’s meeting next April, though it will likely not be enforced because it allows people to refuse to have guns, based on their beliefs or religion.

“We thought that for the city of Nelson this would be a good thing. It’s a preventative measure so our citizens could feel safe if, God forbid, anything should happen and they had to use their firearms that they would be protected by law in the city of Nelson,” Portillo told ABC News. “We have been called big government, which is laughable… I am totally against big government infringing in our lives, this is not the case.”

“Whoever wants a gun can have one in their homes, and if they don’t, God bless,” she added.

While these measures have sprung up in a few towns since Congress has started considering new gun proposals in the wake of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary, one town enacted such a rule over 30 years ago.

In 1982, the town of Kennesaw, Ga., passed an ordinance requiring “every head of household to maintain a firearm together with ammunition.” Kennesaw acted in response to a law passed in Morton Grove, Ill., which banned guns in its city limits.

While the law still exists today, the town of Kennesaw says on its website that the law “has never been enforced and many current residents are probably unaware of it.”

Laurence Tribe, a professor of constitutional law at Harvard Law School, said that such measures would be of “doubtful constitutionality.”

“Although Congress in the 1790s required all able-bodied men to purchase and keep a firearm for militia purposes, state or local laws forcing every homeowner to own a gun would be of doubtful constitutionality today,” Tribe told ABC News.

“The reason, ironically, is the Supreme Court’s Second Amendment holding in Heller and McDonald [two Supreme Court cases], grounding the right to keep and bear arms in each individual’s right to self-defense as a core facet of personal liberty,” he said. “Especially given the ample data that guns in the home are most often turned against the homeowner herself, the right to self-defense probably includes a right to rid one’s home of firearms if that is one’s choice — just as the right to speak one’s mind includes a right not to express a view one does not hold.”

A Pew Research Center poll released Tuesday found that 48 percent of gun owners cite protection as their primary concern for obtaining a firearm, but nearly six in ten of those who did not own guns in their homes said they  would be uncomfortable with the presence of a firearm in their household

42 percent of adults reported that they or someone in their home owns a gun, according to an ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday.

Rep. Peter King Compares North Korean Government to ‘Organized Crime Family’

Below you can find some of the notable comments made Sunday on “This Week with George Stephanopoulos.” Political roundtable guests included former Newark Mayor Cory Booker, D-N.J.; Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y.; ABC News political analyst and special correspondent Matthew Dowd; ABC News senior Washington correspondent Jeff Zeleny; and editor and publisher of The Nation Katrina vanden Heuvel. Our special religion and politics roundtable included writer and religious scholar Reza Aslan; Rev. Calvin Butts, Pastor of the Abyssinian Baptist Church in New York; author and atheist Susan Jacoby; Dr. Richard Land, of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission; and Sojourners president Rev. Jim Wallis, author of “On God’s Side.”

ABC

King describes North Korean government as ‘organized crime family’

KING: As far as I see, this is not even government. It’s more like an organized crime family running a territory. They are brutal, he is brutal, his father was brutal, his grandfather was brutal. I don’t see any purpose at all in [direct talks with North Korea] at all. It would demoralize our allies in Asia, certainly in South Korea, and it would — to me — serve no constructive purpose whatsoever.

Vanden Heuvel on gay marriage: ‘justice delayed is justice denied’

VANDEN HEUVEL: “Justice delayed is justice denied. But I think that the Supreme Court is lagging so far behind now that marriage equality has won in this country… It is moving in states, it is moving politically. And I think you’ve seen, perhaps, the most rapid mass evolution on an issue, among our politicos as well. They know where the future of this country is. It is also a qualifier to win a next generation.”

So I think whatever happens in the court, and it may well be that Kennedy’s — Justice Kennedy’s consuming affection for state rights does lead to overruling DOMA, I think we are going to see a social, moral, and political paradigm shift that is extraordinary.

King supports President Obama’s position on guns

KING: Let me say, I support the president’s position on guns. So I’ll say that. Having said that, it’s going to be very difficult to get very meaningful legislation through the congress, because despite what [Mayor Booker] was saying… is that you get a majority of Americans who don’t seem to want this type of legislation. And I support it. So I’m — I am again, supporting legislation on gun trafficking, on background checks, assault weapons, all of that. But I just don’t see the intensity building up.

Vanden Heuvel states ‘the Republican Party is a values challenged party’

VANDEN HEUVEL:  If they don’t go along with immigration.  I mean, as you head into 2014, the Republican Party is a values challenged party.  They have big problems on immigration, on same-sex marriage, on gun reform, commonsense gun reform.  So I think this is going to be a test case

Land thinks immigration reform ‘needs to be done’

LAND: “Immigration reform is tearing the social fabric of the country. It needs to be done. The lack of doing it is causing havoc that will be difficult to repair in the social fabric of the country. And there is a way to do it, and a way to do it that’s fair, and a way to do it that will heal the country.”

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