كل عام و انتم سعداء اتقياء
بقلوب بيضاء
و وجوه مشرقة مبتسمة
كل عام و انتم امنين مطمئنين
كل عام و الفرح يعم حياتكم و العافية تغلف اجسادكم
كل عام و انتم بخير
تقبل الله منا و منكم صالح الاعمال
اللهم آمين
This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Lisa Kaplin.
Divorces always seem to come in one of two packages: slightly amicable or miserably dramatic. Most people prefer the latter, yet are unsure of exactly how to achieve it.
With that in mind, here are a few, useful tips to make your divorce far more pleasant than you originally expected:
1. Leave defensiveness at the door.
Defensive behavior will not only lead you to feeling rotten but will only add to increased tension between you and your soon to be ex. How can you tell if you’ve hit the defensive door? Watch for words like, “no I didn’t” or “you started it” or “that’s not true.” When you find yourself being defensive ask for a time out to get yourself together. Even if your ex is finger pointing, yelling, blaming, etc., don’t do it.
Take the high road. You will never regret calming yourself down but you will regret trying to change his opinion with defensiveness. It’s not going to happen — so let it go.
2. Neither accept nor deny all of the blame for your divorce.
It took two of you to get to this place and it’s extremely important for you to dig deep and own your role in it. On the other hand, don’t be a martyr. You alone did not end your marriage and you both would do best by acknowledging that. Since you have no control over his thoughts or behaviors, take care of your own and take care of yourself.
3. Don’t “dis” your ex to everyone you meet.
First off, it’s rather bad behavior to kiss and tell but more importantly, it means you are hanging on to some really nasty energy that will inevitably only hurt you. Share your thoughts and feelings with either a professional and/or one or two close confidants but not with every person you come across. If the only thing you can think about your ex is highly negative, try not to think about him. Seriously! Stop that nasty repetitive thought, let it slide out of your head and add some positive, happier thoughts about anything but your ex.
4. More importantly, don’t “dis” yourself at all for any reason.
Owning your role in your marital problems is one thing, criticizing and belittling yourself is another and not at all useful. If you find yourself thinking that he stopped loving you due to your appearance, your age, your income, your cooking ability or anything else you can think of, stop it! Stop it right now. What good could possibly come from beating on yourself? If you can’t stop, it’s time to get yourself some help.
5. Use this time to soul search, not to feel sorry for yourself.
Get to know you again or for the very first time. Who are you? What do you love to do? What are you good at and what type of person are you most attracted to? It’s time to not only like but to love yourself first.
A divorce can be a sad time but it can also be the greatest gift you will ever receive. Try to find the joy in life and move forward. “you won’t regret it. A whole new world of adventure awaits you why wait to find it?
Lisa Kaplin is a life coach and a psychologist at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com She is offering a free teleclass, “3 Revolutionary Ways to Guarantee That You Only Get Divorced Once.” To join her for this class click here: http://smartwomeninspiredlives.com/events/.
More divorce advice from YourTango:
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Contributed by YourTango.com, an online magazine dedicated to love, life and relationships. From dating to marriage, parenting to empty-nest, relationship challenges to relationship success, YourTango is at the center of the conversations that are closest to our over 7 million readers' hearts. With daily contributions from our Experts, we have a little something for everyone looking to create healthier lives. We're excited to offer our contributions to the PsychCentral community, and invite you to visit us on YourTango.com.Like this author?
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.
A game of catch goes nowhere unless you have a partner who catches the ball and throws it back to you.
Similarly, a conversation goes nowhere unless you have a partner who listens to what you’re saying and responds in a way that keeps the conversation going.
A good conversation is constructed by a speaker and a listener each doing their part. A great conversation is constructed with respectful, interesting, enriching content. You learn something. You teach something. Your knowledge increases. Your curiosity is piqued. You relish the time spent together.
The prototype for a great conversation is a couple in love. They make good eye contact. Listen well. Speak with enthusiasm. Value what the other person says. Feel valued by the other person. Disagree respectfully. Enjoy each other.
The prototype for a poor conversation is modern Congress.
In today’s Congress, what passes for communication is pontificating your beliefs while mocking your opponents’. Nobody listens. Nobody learns. Nobody appreciates the subtleties of the others’ argument. Is it any wonder that the respect Americans have for Congress is at an all-time low?
To construct our own great conversations, we need to listen and speak respectfully. No need to be starry-eyed lovers. But do everything you can to avoid the Congressional model.
Want to improve your conversational skills? Avoid these common conversational breakers:
Going on and on without giving the other person a chance to talk. (Yakkety, yak, yak, yak)Pontificating. (Of course, it’s done this way. How else?)Confusing listening with obeying. (Why aren’t you listening to me? I told you to do it this way!)Making a definitive statement without explaining your position. (This is what has to be done.)Listening while multi-tasking. (Checking your phone messages as you listen.)Responding with frequent “Yes, but” statements. (“Yes, but I don’t want to do it.”)Interrupting with a rebuttal. (“I know what you’re saying and it’s ridiculous.”)Rolling your eyes or displaying other disrespectful body language.Do you admit to doing any of these no-nos? Good. I respect your honesty. You are more sincere than one who deflects his own behavior by blaming others. “I don’t listen because you give me too many details.” “I only use that tone of voice because you never listen.”
It’s true that good speaking skills enhance people’s ability to listen. But you shouldn’t have to be an award-winning speaker to get a loved one to listen. Similarly, good listening skills encourage good speaking skills. But you shouldn’t have to be a topflight listener to get a loved one to speak respectfully to you.
Speaking well and listening well create an extraordinary game of catch in which both of you feel energized, enriched, respected and valued. Good goal to aim for, don’t you think?
Dr. Sapadin is a psychologist, author and success coach who takes joy in helping people reach their potential, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. To subscribe to her FREE E-newsletter, go to http://www.psychwisdom.com/. To learn about her newest publication, How to Beat Procrastination in the Digital Age, go to http://www.sixstylesofprocrastination.com/. Contact her at DrSapadin@aol.comLike this author?
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.
With all modesty, I do think my Four Categories of Personality may be one of my finest contributions to the study of human nature. Right up there with my abstainer/moderator split and under-buyer/over-buyer distinction.
In a nutshell, under this scheme, people fall into one of four categories: Upholder, Questioner, Rebel, or Obliger, depending on how they respond to external rules and internal rules.
Upholders respond to both inner and outer rules; Questioners question all rules, but can follow rules they endorse (effectively making all rules into inner rules); Rebels resist all rules; Obligers respond to outer rules but not to inner rules. To read more, go here.
I’m still refining this idea, and I’d be very interested to hear people’s thoughts on my further analysis.
One important question is: what is the main desire or motivation driving the people in the four categories? Here’s what I currently believe. Does it ring true to you?
Upholders wake up and think, “What’s on the schedule and the to-do list for today?” They’re very motivated by execution, getting things accomplished. They really don’t like making mistakes, getting blamed, or failing to follow through (including doing so to themselves).
Questioners wake up and think, “What needs to get done today?” They’re very motivated by seeing good reasons for a particular course of action. They really don’t like spending time and effort on activities they don’t agree with.
Rebels wake up and think, “What do I want to do today?” They’re very motivated by a sense of freedom, of self-determination. (I used to think that Rebels were energizing by flouting rules, but I now I suspect that that’s a by-product of their desire to determine their own course of action. Though they do seem to enjoy flouting rules.) They really don’t like being told what to do.
Obligers wake up and think, “What must I do today?” They’re very motivated by accountability. They really don’t like being reprimanded or letting others down.
Understanding this is important, because if you want to motivate yourself (or someone else) to do something, it’s key to know how a person will consider and act upon that request or order.
What do you think? Also, what should I call this category of personality typing? I haven’t been able to think of a good name. “The Four Categories of Rules Acceptance” isn’t very catchy.
Do you have a life list or bucket list? Check out Go Mighty to make it happen. One of my favorite goals: “Have a beehive.”
Gretchen Rubin is the award-winning author of The Happiness Project, a #1 New York Times bestseller. Order your copy or read some sample chapters from the book. You can also watch the one-minute book video or listen to a sample of the audiobook. She is a regular contributor to Psych Central.Like this author?
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.
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