5 Tips For a Drama-Free Divorce

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Lisa Kaplin.

Divorces always seem to come in one of two packages: slightly amicable or miserably dramatic. Most people prefer the latter, yet are unsure of exactly how to achieve it.

With that in mind, here are a few, useful tips to make your divorce far more pleasant than you originally expected:

1. Leave defensiveness at the door.

Defensive behavior will not only lead you to feeling rotten but will only add to increased tension between you and your soon to be ex. How can you tell if you’ve hit the defensive door? Watch for words like, “no I didn’t” or “you started it” or “that’s not true.” When you find yourself being defensive ask for a time out to get yourself together. Even if your ex is finger pointing, yelling, blaming, etc., don’t do it.

Take the high road. You will never regret calming yourself down but you will regret trying to change his opinion with defensiveness. It’s not going to happen — so let it go.

2. Neither accept nor deny all of the blame for your divorce.

It took two of you to get to this place and it’s extremely important for you to dig deep and own your role in it. On the other hand, don’t be a martyr. You alone did not end your marriage and you both would do best by acknowledging that. Since you have no control over his thoughts or behaviors, take care of your own and take care of yourself.

3. Don’t “dis” your ex to everyone you meet.

First off, it’s rather bad behavior to kiss and tell but more importantly, it means you are hanging on to some really nasty energy that will inevitably only hurt you. Share your thoughts and feelings with either a professional and/or one or two close confidants but not with every person you come across.  If the only thing you can think about your ex is highly negative, try not to think about him. Seriously! Stop that nasty repetitive thought, let it slide out of your head and add some positive, happier thoughts about anything but your ex.

4. More importantly, don’t “dis” yourself at all for any reason.

Owning your role in your marital problems is one thing, criticizing and belittling yourself is another and not at all useful. If you find yourself thinking that he stopped loving you due to your appearance, your age, your income, your cooking ability or anything else you can think of, stop it! Stop it right now. What good could possibly come from beating on yourself? If you can’t stop, it’s time to get yourself some help.

5. Use this time to soul search, not to feel sorry for yourself.

Get to know you again or for the very first time. Who are you? What do you love to do? What are you good at and what type of person are you most attracted to? It’s time to not only like but to love yourself first.

A divorce can be a sad time but it can also be the greatest gift you will ever receive. Try to find the joy in life and move forward. “you won’t regret it. A whole new world of adventure awaits you why wait to find it?

Lisa Kaplin is a life coach and a psychologist at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com She is offering a free teleclass, “3 Revolutionary Ways to Guarantee That You Only Get Divorced Once.” To join her for this class click here: http://smartwomeninspiredlives.com/events/.

More divorce advice from YourTango:

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Contributed by YourTango.com, an online magazine dedicated to love, life and relationships. From dating to marriage, parenting to empty-nest, relationship challenges to relationship success, YourTango is at the center of the conversations that are closest to our over 7 million readers' hearts. With daily contributions from our Experts, we have a little something for everyone looking to create healthier lives. We're excited to offer our contributions to the PsychCentral community, and invite you to visit us on YourTango.com.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Experts, Y. (2013). 5 Tips For a Drama-Free Divorce. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/30/5-tips-for-a-drama-free-divorce/

The Psychology of Constructing a Conversation

A game of catch goes nowhere unless you have a partner who catches the ball and throws it back to you.

Similarly, a conversation goes nowhere unless you have a partner who listens to what you’re saying and responds in a way that keeps the conversation going.

A good conversation is constructed by a speaker and a listener each doing their part. A great conversation is constructed with respectful, interesting, enriching content. You learn something. You teach something. Your knowledge increases. Your curiosity is piqued. You relish the time spent together.

The prototype for a great conversation is a couple in love. They make good eye contact. Listen well. Speak with enthusiasm. Value what the other person says. Feel valued by the other person. Disagree respectfully. Enjoy each other.

The prototype for a poor conversation is modern Congress.

In today’s Congress, what passes for communication is pontificating your beliefs while mocking your opponents’. Nobody listens. Nobody learns. Nobody appreciates the subtleties of the others’ argument. Is it any wonder that the respect Americans have for Congress is at an all-time low?

To construct our own great conversations, we need to listen and speak respectfully. No need to be starry-eyed lovers. But do everything you can to avoid the Congressional model.

Want to improve your conversational skills? Avoid these common conversational breakers:

Going on and on without giving the other person a chance to talk. (Yakkety, yak, yak, yak)Pontificating. (Of course, it’s done this way. How else?)Confusing listening with obeying. (Why aren’t you listening to me? I told you to do it this way!)Making a definitive statement without explaining your position. (This is what has to be done.)Listening while multi-tasking. (Checking your phone messages as you listen.)Responding with frequent “Yes, but” statements. (“Yes, but I don’t want to do it.”)Interrupting with a rebuttal. (“I know what you’re saying and it’s ridiculous.”)Rolling your eyes or displaying other disrespectful body language.

Do you admit to doing any of these no-nos? Good. I respect your honesty. You are more sincere than one who deflects his own behavior by blaming others. “I don’t listen because you give me too many details.” “I only use that tone of voice because you never listen.”

It’s true that good speaking skills enhance people’s ability to listen. But you shouldn’t have to be an award-winning speaker to get a loved one to listen. Similarly, good listening skills encourage good speaking skills. But you shouldn’t have to be a topflight listener to get a loved one to speak respectfully to you.

Speaking well and listening well create an extraordinary game of catch in which both of you feel energized, enriched, respected and valued. Good goal to aim for, don’t you think?

Dr. Sapadin is a psychologist, author and success coach who takes joy in helping people reach their potential, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. To subscribe to her FREE E-newsletter, go to http://www.psychwisdom.com/. To learn about her newest publication, How to Beat Procrastination in the Digital Age, go to http://www.sixstylesofprocrastination.com/. Contact her at DrSapadin@aol.com

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Sapadin, L. (2013). The Psychology of Constructing a Conversation. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/01/the-psychology-of-constructing-a-conversation/

4 Personality Types: The Upholder, Questioner, Rebel & Obliger

With all modesty, I do think my Four Categories of Personality may be one of my finest contributions to the study of human nature. Right up there with my abstainer/moderator split and under-buyer/over-buyer distinction.

In a nutshell, under this scheme, people fall into one of four categories: Upholder, Questioner, Rebel, or Obliger, depending on how they respond to external rules and internal rules.

Upholders respond to both inner and outer rules; Questioners question all rules, but can follow rules they endorse (effectively making all rules into inner rules); Rebels resist all rules; Obligers respond to outer rules but not to inner rules. To read more, go here.

I’m still refining this idea, and I’d be very interested to hear people’s thoughts on my further analysis.

One important question is: what is the main desire or motivation driving the people in the four categories? Here’s what I currently believe. Does it ring true to you?

Upholders wake up and think, “What’s on the schedule and the to-do list for today?” They’re very motivated by execution, getting things accomplished. They really don’t like making mistakes, getting blamed,  or failing to follow through (including doing so to themselves).

Questioners wake up and think, “What needs to get done today?” They’re very motivated by seeing good reasons for a particular course of action. They really don’t like spending time and effort on activities they don’t agree with.

Rebels wake up and think, “What do I want to do today?” They’re very motivated by a sense of freedom, of self-determination. (I used to think that Rebels were energizing by flouting rules, but I now I suspect that that’s a by-product of their desire to determine their own course of action. Though they do seem to enjoy flouting rules.) They really don’t like being told what to do.

Obligers wake up and think, “What must I do today?” They’re very motivated by accountability. They really don’t like being reprimanded or letting others down.

Understanding this is important, because if you want to motivate yourself (or someone else) to do something, it’s key to know how a person will consider and act upon that request or order.

What do you think? Also, what should I call this category of personality typing? I haven’t been able to think of a good name. “The Four Categories of Rules Acceptance” isn’t very catchy.

Do you have a life list or bucket list? Check out Go Mighty to make it happen. One of my favorite goals: “Have a beehive.”

Gretchen Rubin is the award-winning author of The Happiness Project, a #1 New York Times bestseller. Order your copy or read some sample chapters from the book. You can also watch the one-minute book video or listen to a sample of the audiobook. She is a regular contributor to Psych Central.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Rubin, G. (2013). 4 Personality Types: The Upholder, Questioner, Rebel & Obliger. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/02/4-personality-types-the-upholder-questioner-rebel-obliger/

How to Stop Worrying about Worrying

Sir Winston Churchill, who battled plenty of demons, once said, “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”

Unfortunately that advice wouldn’t have been able to stop me from praying rosary after rosary when I was in fourth grade to avert going to hell, nor does it quiet the annoying noise and chatter inside my brain today in any given hour. But the fact that a great leader battled the worry war does provide me some consolation.

It doesn’t matter whether you are a chronic worrier without an official diagnosis or battling severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a neurobehavioral disorder that involves repetitive unwanted thoughts and rituals. The steps to overcome faulty beliefs and develop healthy patterns of thinking are the same.

Worrying about facing the inferno as a 10-year-old and fretting about whether or not I’ll provide enough income to keep my kids in private school stems from the same brain abnormality that Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D. describes in his book, Brain Lock.

When we worry, the use of energy is consistently higher than normal in the orbital cortex, the underside of the front of the brain. It’s working overtime, heating up, which is exactly what is the PET scans show. Too many “what if’s” and your orbital cortex as shown in a PET scan will light up in beautiful neon colors, like the walls of my daughter’s bedroom. However, with repeated cognitive-behavioral exercises, you can cool it down and return your PET scan to the boring black and white.

In their book, The OCD Workbook, Bruce M. Hyman, Ph.D., and Cherry Pedrick, RN, explain the ABCDs of faulty beliefs. It’s a four-step cycle of insanity:

A = Activity Event and Intrusive Thought, Image or Urge. (What if I didn’t lock the door? What if I upset her? I know I upset her.)

B = Faulty Belief About the Intrusive Thought. (If I don’t say the rosary, I’m going to hell. If I made a mistake in my presentation, I will get fired.)

C = Emotional Consequences: Anxiety, Doubt, and Worry. (I am a horrible person for upsetting her. I keep making mistakes … I will never be able to keep a job. I hate myself.)

D = Neutralizing Ritual or Avoidance. (I need to say the rosary to insure I’m not going to hell. I should avoid my friend who I upset and my boss so that he can’t tell me I’m fired.)

Those might seem extreme for the casual worrier, but the small seed of anxiety doesn’t stay small for long in a person with an overactive orbital cortex.

Hyman and Pedrick also catalog some typical cognitive errors of worriers and persons with OCD:

Overestimating risk, harm, and dangerOvercontrol and perfectionismCatastrophizingBlack-and-white or all-or-nothing thinkingPersistent doubtingMagical thinkingSuperstitious thinkingIntolerance of uncertaintyOver-responsibilityPessimistic biasWhat-if thinkingIntolerance of anxietyExtraordinary cause and effect

One of the best approaches to manage a case of the worries and/or OCD is the four-step self-treatment method by Schwartz, explained in Brain Lock,

Step 1: Relabel.

In this step you squeeze a bit of distance between the thought and you. By relabeling the bugger as “MOT” (my obsessive thought) or something like that, you take back control and prevent yourself from being tricked by the message. Because I’ve always suffered from OCD, I remind myself that the illogical thought about which I’m fretting is my illness talking, that I’m not actually going insane.

Step 2: Reattribute.

Here is where you remember the PET scan that would look like your brain. By considering that colorful picture, you take the problem from your emotional center to your physiological being. This helps me immensely because I feel less attached to it and less a failure for being able to tame and keep it under control. Just like arthritis that is flaring up, I consider my poor, overworked orbital cortex, and I put some ice on it and remember to be gentle with myself.

Step 3: Refocus.

If it’s at all possible, turn your attention to some other activity that can distract you from the anxiety. Schwartz says: “By refusing to take the obsessions and compulsions at face value—by keeping in mind that they are not what they say they are, that they are false messages—you can learn to ignore or to work around them by refocusing your attention on another behavior and doing something useful and positive.”

Step 4: Revalue.

This involves calling out the unwanted thoughts and giving yourself a pep talk on why you want to do everything you can to free yourself from the prison of obsessive thinking. You are basically devaluing the worrying as soon as it tries to intrude.

Therese J. Borchard is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. You may find her at her blog, A Blog About Hope, on her website, or you can follow her at on Twitter.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Borchard, T. (2013). How to Stop Worrying about Worrying. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/03/how-to-stop-worrying-about-worrying/

Overcoming Guilt in Depression

“There is a voice that says I’m doing something terribly wrong and that I’m a horrible person,” said Therese Borchard, author of the book Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes.

In the book, Borchard lists the many things she feels guilty for, everything from not cleaning the house to letting her kids eat more candy to worrying too much to being overly candid with her writing to overeating. And that’s just a snippet she jotted down while penning that page.

If you also have depression, you, too, probably have a list. And you, too, probably can relate to the gnawing, stubborn and heavy weight of guilt.

It’s guilt that can lead to self-doubt or even self-harm. For Borchard, guilt sparks insecurity, indecision and even poor decisions. “It colors my decisions and my conversations and I’m always second-guessing myself.”

Some research may explain why people with depression feel especially guilty. A 2012 study found that individuals with depression respond differently to guilt than people without depression. According to the news article about the study:

Investigators used fMRI to scan the brains of a group of people after remission from major depression for more than a year, and a control group who have never had depression. Both groups were asked to imagine acting badly, for example being “stingy” or “bossy” towards their best friends. They then reported their feelings to the research team.

“The scans revealed that the people with a history of depression did not ‘couple’ the brain regions associated with guilt and knowledge of appropriate behavior together as strongly as the never depressed control group do,” said Zahn, a MRC Clinician Scientist Fellow.

“Interestingly, this ‘decoupling’ only occurs when people prone to depression feel guilty or blame themselves, but not when they feel angry or blame others. This could reflect a lack of access to details about what exactly was inappropriate about their behavior when feeling guilty, thereby extending guilt to things they are not responsible for and feeling guilty for everything.”

Depression dampens a person’s reasoning and problem-solving functions, said Deborah Serani, PsyD, a psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression.  “This is why a person can feel unrealistically negative about himself, feel guilty or responsible for things that he might not truly believe if the depression wasn’t active.”

Of course, guilt isn’t something that simply dissolves with several quick fixes. But you can slowly chip away at your guilt. The below tips may help.

1. Move your body.

According to Serani, “Getting physical will lower cortisol, increase endorphin flow and awaken your senses.” It also helps people with depression think more clearly and feel better overall, she said.

2. Shift your thoughts.

“Feelings of guilt can set a depressed individual into a cycle of negative thinking; each thought worsening into a deeper, more hopeless frame of thinking,” Serani said. That’s why working on your thoughts is key. Serani suggested revising negative thoughts into positive thoughts or using positive imagery. She gave examples such as “I can do this,” or “I’m light and floating on blue beautiful water.”

3. Remember guilty thoughts are not facts.

Borchard finds it helpful to remind herself that her guilt is just a voice. “Once I say, ‘Oh, there’s the guilt,’ I can put some distance between me and the guilt.”

4. Try humor.

Borchard also finds that humor can lighten the heaviness. For instance, she refers to guilt as “my ‘mini-Vatican’ or something like that. I always laugh when my doctor reminds me that, of all the depressive symptoms I have, guilt will probably be the last to leave me.”

5. Try visualization.

In Beyond Blue, Borchard describes a visualization technique her therapist recommended. Borchard writes:

“She told me to imagine myself driving a car along the highway. Whenever I get one of those guilty thoughts, my car is out of alignment…it’s dragging right. So I pull over and assess the problem. I check to see if I need to make any adjustments. If I stole something, I should give it back. If I wronged someone, I need to make amends. Then I merge back on to the highway.

Each time my car wants to rear off the main drive, I should ask myself, Is there something I need to do? If not, I need to get my car back on the road.

For many people with depression, guilt is a real and stubborn symptom. It manipulates the facts and exacerbates your mood. But while guilt can be persistent and overwhelming, it also can be managed and minimized.

Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. is an Associate Editor at Psych Central and blogs regularly about eating and self-image issues on her own blog, Weightless.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Tartakovsky, M. (2013). Overcoming Guilt in Depression. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/31/overcoming-guilt-in-depression/

Best of Our Blogs: March 29, 2013

You’ve probably heard the term, “mindfulness” a million times. If not on this site then from a friend, on TV or in a magazine. It’s a buzzword that has been spoken by your neighbor and Oprah. But what does it mean and how does it apply to real life?

I was watching an old Oprah show recently where she talks to Seat of the Soul author Gary Zukov. Although they were discussing relationships, he said something I thought could be applied to everyone, single or in coupledom. Instead of blaming or holding someone responsible when you are upset or hurt, he said to work on finding out what’s making you feel this way. Learning to focus on yourself can help you grow as a person, enrich your relationships and change your life. What does this have to do with mindfulness?

Instead of checking out when things get hard or running through your to-do list when you’re with others, mindfulness requires you to pay attention. And in paying attention, you may discover the difficult moments you’ve been trying to hide. When faced with your own stuff, you may learn that you’ve got a lot of inner work to do. Being mindful opens you up to the bad as well as the beautiful moments you might otherwise miss. Read our posts below and you’ll find that mindfulness is a surprising way to empower yourself and truly live your life.

Mindful Parenting: Being Present for the Good Moments and the Tough Ones
(Mindful Parenting) – There are many memorable moments in the life of a parent. Some bad, some good. But if you learn to pay attention to all of them, you will find compassion, patience and even gratitude in every moment.

Body Image Booster: Practicing Mindfulness
(Weightless) – When you eat, do you savor every morsel or do you eat mindlessly? Are you aware of the thoughts that pass through your mind while flipping through women’s magazines? Learning to slow down, paying attention and being mindful can improve your body image. Find out how here.

How Psychology is Used in Advertising
(Channel N) – Many consumers are unaware of the role psychology plays in advertising. This cute, short and interesting video shows how things like colors and emotions can persuade you into buying a product.

Need to Bounce Back? Get Rid of These 5 Things
(Bounce Back) – When the going gets tough, how do you keep going? Learn what five stumbling blocks will prevent you from persevering when life gets hard.

Struggling to Hold Onto Your Sobriety? Try Helping Someone Else
(Addiction Recovery) – The key to your sobriety and recovery could lie in your ability to help others. Read the latest research on the benefits of helping others and find out what you can do to give back here.

Brandi-Ann Uyemura is a freelance writer. After obtaining a BA in English and Ethnic Studies, she received a MA in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University. She writes for various companies and publications. For more information, see her website Brandi-AnnUyemura.com.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Uyemura, B. (2013). Best of Our Blogs: March 29, 2013. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/29/best-of-our-blogs-march-29-2013/

Do You Shout? Why That May Not be Especially Helpful in Communicating

Do you find yourself shouting at people?

The problem with shouting is that it isn’t really communicating — it’s being aggressive and intimidating. That clearly is not the best way to forge relationships. You may not think that you’re being aggressive, or acting unhealthily — but you are. And you’re not doing yourself or anyone else any favors with your behavior.

When we communicate, there are a couple of thinking processes going on in the background: We have a goal or task we wish to complete in the interaction.

That goal is being driven by a set of personal rules and beliefs which are running on autopilot.

The following is an example of a typical scenario: In the kitchen, John tells Karen that he wants her to pick their son up from school because he’d made plans to meet a friend for drinks after work. Trouble is, Karen also has made plans and isn’t able, or willing, to change them. The conversation might go like this:

“Sorry, John, but I can’t pick Luke up, I’ve made plans. Anyway, it’s your day to do it.”

“I know it’s my day, but I said I’d meet Frank. You can change your plans; you’re only meeting your mother anyway.”

“I’m not changing.”

“Look, I can’t pick him up. I’ve made plans. Just call your mom and tell her you need to pick him up.”

“No, John.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake. Stop being so damn stubborn and just do it, will you?!”

“Don’t shout at me.”

“Then stop being a bitch and just pick him up.”

At this point, since Karen isn’t doing what he wants, John could get angrier, louder, and more aggressive. People in Karen’s position will tend to give in and do what the shouter wants, which is exactly the reason to shout — to get one’s own way.

But what led to an angry exchange and John shouting?

The two cognitive processes mentioned above: John holds an irrational belief that Karen absolutely should change her plans. Because she doesn’t want to, she is obstructing his goal, which is to go out with Frank. His underlying belief is probably something like, “She absolutely must do what I want, and if she doesn’t, she’s just being a difficult bitch!”

Remember, if you get to the point of shouting, you’re already in unhealthy anger mode. Your irrational belief that you are right and others are wrong will only become more rigid, as unhealthy anger begins to cloud your rational thought.

So if you find you are shouting at people, stop and think about what you are demanding of them.

Are they obstructing your goal? Do you have an irrational belief that they must do what you think is right, or satisfy your goal even if it is counter to their goal? Then ask yourself if that’s reasonable of you to demand such a thing.

Above all, shouting doesn’t make your argument or request more persuasive, it just makes you seem more intimidating.

Drew Coster is a coach, facilitator and trainer. As a British-trained and accredited psychotherapist, he has worked with people for nine years, helping them reach their goals and overcome many different emotional and behavioral problems. Drew is currently in private practice and is available to work with anybody, anywhere in the world. You can reach him at http://www.gochange.me/.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Mar 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Coster, D. (2013). Do You Shout? Why That May Not be Especially Helpful in Communicating. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 3, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/01/do-you-shout-why-that-may-not-be-especially-helpful-in-communicating/